New found passion

This day I am very busy at work. So I get very little time to do the “my own” thinking which I enjoy most. Life is so circumvent that the work will kills me with its monotonocity alleviates its own given pain by keeping me engage in itself. Even then I somehow manage to squeeze time between my pressing engagements for the fun. These days I have started enjoying biking. I simply love to ride. I don’t need the picturesque setting of mountains or soothing breezes of hilltop or peaceful moment at sea beaches. I only need road and space on it to drive fast really fast. I like the trill of speed. The air in my hair, its beat against my chest. I don’t need any company me and my bike is sufficient. Though I already have two minor accidents but that in fact has added my passion for biking. The only thing changed is that I am more cautious and careful. I love to drive fast but safe also. This newly found passion help me to get more close to nature. I never bothered to look beyond my town. But now I am driving to steep hills, through the forests etc. For the first time in my life I was moved by the nature. It’s like finding a new but very dear relation. For the first time I was amazed with the magnanimity of mountains, for the first time I stopped to take a breadth of fresh air and to savior that breadth for ever in my memories. For the first time I understood what makes heart of those poet moving who have written so much about nature. I am gradually falling in love with the nature. Earlier I used to go to Forum or other shopping malls in Bangalore but now I am always looking out for places outside Bangalore so that I can drive fast and can have moment with nature as well. One thing that I loved most about Bangalore is that its location is so perfect that within 100 km range around it there are so many places to go. Once you are out of Bangalore city you are driving along mountains or trees. I have seen enough of mountains and forests now I want to go to some see beach. I want to drive to some peaceful sea beach and sleep there in peace for two three days and do “my own “thinking. Its not like that I am loner or I don’t like company but when I am in these types of places I need to be alone to imbibe maximum of these. I like to get lost in thought, to sit idly .keep staring at far away thing which most of my friends find weird but that’s how I enjoy it. Let’s see when I can do this.

These days I was very frust .May be It was all anxieties associated with the transitition period in the life. I withdrew myself in the solitude so that I can think about the current situation in my life. In the starting I was very bitter I thought that all faults are in others and I am just victim of their follies. But actually when I thought it again and again then I realize that happiness is very intrinsic thing .Its basis couldn’t depend upon anything external. Happiness is just a state of mind. A person who has everything in life may not be happy but a hermit who has nothing not even surety of his next meal may be happy and content . So it mean that to find real happiness we should not look out in the world but we should look deep inside and explore our inner self to find out the real reason for unhappiness. So the first thing I did is stop blaming others for anything. I always first try to find what wrong I did rather than looking them in others. I realized that its my over expectation that is the root of all problems. I want everyone to be like me which is not at all practical. Everyone has his or her own ways of thinking even different value system based on which they decide what is wrong and right. So what is right for me maybe not at all right for others. So I thought lets try to place everything that can affect my peace and happiness inside. A person’s inside is always affected by the external because we are connected with it by our senses. Many of our emotional feeling have basis in outside world but we can practice to limit its influence in taking decision. They are just input but the decision is taken by the wisdom or myself. That has some influence of the external but not entirely and more we can make it internal more we are in control of our feelings. So I took a break from our all kind of acquaintances including friends and family and went to self impose seclusions. In this period I attained most of my mental peace and a right perspective to look things . I came out as more tolerant and definitely more cool. I was also kind of frust by my job. Though in frustration I might have said it to be very boring and monotonous but actually it’s not like that. Plus I realized that I was frustrated because I was not doing it well. These day I have started seeking perfection in everything I do. I really enjoy the feeling that I have done something that cann’t be done better than that way. Doing a thing with perfection is really a divine feeling its gives a satisfaction that I am giving my best. As Richacrd bach has said in “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” that perfection is heaven. There is a satisfaction in learning new things. Though I didn’t realized this in my college day but anyways never is too late. Generally people learn thing and then apply .But I like the other way round. My team works in field of predictive model and I am really interested in behavioral models. It’s really fasinating that how maths can be used to predict the behavior of masses. I don’t have much stats background but I really like to read new things these day. I am studying stats and AI all by myself. This is very surprising for me as well because in my college day I never studied anything more than minimum required. But now I really want to learn everything that comes ion my way its not because that it will put me in better bargaining position in job interview, its only because I never excelled in my life and for one time I want to excel in anything I do.In my office I try to take most challenging and difficult of task>It help me to spend my time and plus I feel good when I can do it on my own.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY

These days I am reading a lot of novels. So doing that I read two Jane Austen one after other. Pride and prejudice is my favorite and I have read it before as well so I really enjoy the conversation between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth and Jane . But two Jane Austen one after other is really too much for me. When I started sense and sensibility I was really very bore in starting that here comes again a novel about a mom with 3 pretty daughter and how to get them settled in good families. In most of Jane Austen novels its ladies always gossiping about the affair or possible affair and planning to make gentleman of higher ranks fall in love with them. The same is story in sense and sensibility as well. But I continued inspite of these thing as I had nothing to do or read. But as the story progresses I was really struck by the character of sensible Elinor .The way she carried her grace and dignity between provoking company and a stupid and arrogant sister was really great. All of her conversation showed that how people should behave in disadvantageous position. Everybody have problem in there life .But the sorrows of life is very personal. One should not display there misery in public and use them to gain sympathy or attention of others. The way Elinor handled her problems was really admirable. She never bothered others with her troubles and always maintained her composure even when her rival in love announced her victory on her face. She helped her sister and always stood by her consoling her in her problems and taking on her every problem on herself. Even when they were in company where everyone wanted to enjoy the scandal or a spicy heart break she shielded her sister from that when at the same time she was also in middle of breakup Though the ending of this novel was very abrupt to me. All of sudden everything was sorted and everything happened for all good. It is not as smooth like in pride and prejudice. The story of pride and prejudice is really balanced and there is smooth transition of events. In that it took a lot of time for Elizabeth to shed her prejudice toward Mr. Darcy backed by favorable circumstances .In fact that novel has all good collection of great character. In that novel Elizabeth wit and practicality is well supported by the goodness of character of Jane. At the same time the pride of Mr. Darcy controlled by his superior mind is also great. That is why every page of pride and prejudice is interesting but in sense and sensibility I found only Elinor character and all her conversations interesting. Her sister’s transition from one extreme to another was too much for me. I don’t believe that people can so easily and quickly forget their love and can generate similar strong feeling for other. Maybe her character does not fit in my way of thinking. Beside it I also feel that love and affection are very personal feeling and some concealment is required. In both of novel Jane and Marianne suffered because they could not keep there love private and subjected it to public scrutiny and discussion. Elinor at the same time had similar turns in her relation as well but she maintained her calm and grace even her lover was not able to comprehend her feelings. I might have enjoyed it more if I would have read it after some interval from “Pride and Prejudice”. Though story was more or less same but the conversations and fine gentleman type culture of English society was really well presented in that novel. Inspite of that I started that novel with a prejudice in my mind that its going to be same novel some pretty ladies trying to get well placed in matrimony , at some point in the novel I forgot my prejudice and enjoyed it as well .So I will recommend them as worth reading

Solace in solitude

These day I am becoming more and more frust. Nothing cheers me up .All those things which not so long ago use to cheer me up and now killing me with boredom. I think that my frustration is now spilling out and I end up hurting or frustating people around me and polluting the envoironment around me. I have started looking out for faults in everyone around me except myself. I don’t enjoy talking to anyone mainly because there is nothing that interest me now .

The only thing that give me solace is my solitude. There is a different kind of peace in absolute solitude. In absolute solitude you can relax your mind and can keep it vacant for a long time. Most of problems are nothing but creation of our mind. If anyone can control it he or she can stimulate emotions at his or her will . Solitude gives the time to reflects the proceedings in detail and to analyze the situation in better light. Sometime when we are emotional we may rush into the decision but that is not always right because at that time our wisdom is overcome by emotions. I am not saying that all action should be based on wisdom always or everything should be thoroughly thought . This will certainly kill the wonderfulness of unpredictability and surprises. But sometimes you have to think even after doing something that what could be the repercussions of your actions and how it reveals itself to others. Before coming here I never enjoyed the loneliness .It was like pain to me , I always used to rush to company whenever I was alone .But these days I am finding solace in my solitude .I am more than often going for a long walk completely engrossed in myself and not giving a damn care to the surroundings. Though I could not find a complete aloof place as a live in relatively busy area but still I try to remain in myself even in crowds. In absolute privacy things are clearer to me. I can easily see that all problem are within me not in others. I am in habit of blaming other for every little problem I have and recently I realized that actually it’s not others but my own follies and shortcomings are the reason for my frustration. When I am all alone I try not to think about others because right now I not at all in state to appreciate the wonderfulness of others behaviors so I confine my thought about myself. I always tend to analyze that how my action would affect others if I think that some of my action is improper that I unforgettably say sorry for that. I try my best to keep clean from myself. When a spend more than an hour all by self with no disturbance at all I come back very light and fresh. Many personal problems are well sorted out during that period with best possible actions with all pros and cons properly analyzed. Not only that I pick out all the wrongdoings of mine, I also think of all possible amendments to rectify them. But the only problem is the wrong notion about being loner. I am fast becoming infamous in my circle that I am frust man. People always suggest me that company is good and loneliness is hell. But it is fine as I am more than happy in my hell and I don’t want to share it with anybody. I am fed up with all artificial countenances around me and I want to be natural myself. That may be not as handsome after all makeup but hey that’s me . I enjoy the nakedness of my inner self when I am all alone I feel connected to nature and god. I feel that why to rely upon something whose basis is external why not to seek solution of all problem inside us . Why to crib about the world outside why not enjoy the whole universe as master of it which dwells inside? Why to cry about others what is more important than self? So I found a new hobby talking to myself. People will think that its mad but you know that this madness will give me a veil from the external. It will conceal the things which are too precious for me to share with anyone.

AT DEADEND OF LIFE

When I was in school I thought that ok after school I will go to college and I won’t have to dress everyday in same way and attend every class whether I want it or not .This motivated me a lot so I studied hard and got in good college. Then I realized that to have fun in life I need money in life. As I am not from very rich background I considered all methods possible to ensure a healthy income in my future. I concluded that the best and safest way is through good education .So I again in college worked hard to get into good college and in return I have to postpone all plans of fun to later stage of life. Until than
I was bit happy because I was in anticipation of change in my life. I thought maybe life would be cooler when I will be in job than I won’t have to ask anybody for anything and I can do anything I want. Finally I reached there to realize that all this year what I thought was fun is not fun anymore. I am all aged at 25 . All this year of relentless pushing and zeal of doing something has burned out every ounce of energy and enthusiasm from me. I think like a 60 year old retired person. I am struck in daily9:30 to 6:30 type of life. The thing that haunt me most that I don’t see anything to come out of it. It’s not that I don’t like my job but I also don’t love it. In fact I never wanted a routine type life .I was always a kid who will purposely try to defy rules, try to break away from the routine and pee where it is mentioned not to and now I am struck in that for ever. It just 4 month of my job and am terrified as hell that this is going to be my life for ever. Its not that I am not trying to do things that interest me but the real problem is that anything doesnot interest me at all. I always wanted to learn to play guitar but now I realize that was not because I have interest in music or something , I just wanted it because I thought then it is cooler. But now I don’t see any need to be cool as well .All of sudden I became so matured that I don’t feel to be cooler than I am .Now I want to be myself that is a real problem. I want to live naturally, I don’t like to socialize, I rather prefer to live alone. Recently I realized that I don’t even enjoy my friends company which I used to enjoy very much not so long ago. I am becoming more and more critical and cannot overlook the faults in others.

In total my life is complete mess. I don’t have any goal in life that could keep me going.. The problem is that I have reached the dead end or maybe at juncture of life from where I cann’t see futher. The worst thing is stagnation in life. Just like stagnated water, my life is stinking. So its high time that I should try to make it worth living otherwise I have to live frustrated all my life. The question is how one can find what actually interest him. This is the real question that is key to a happy life. In Indian religious text it is mentioned in one form or another atleast in “Gita” but there is no concrete method to attain that other than vague methods which are practically not so feasible.

me

Before starting to blog about other things in life I think I an obliged to give brief introduction of myself as best of my knowledge. To write about life, philosophies and other things is lot easier than to write about oneself. All philosophical search start from searching inside .An entire universe dwells inside oneself. So I don’t claim that I know myself entirely but I keep exploring it in my solitude. Just as the universe above my inside keeps me surprised, confused and mystified by new findings. So its better to tell you about my background and surroundings and leave it to you so that you can logically make conclusion about me. I am mathematician by training and profession. I work in private firm in analytics department . I love to read novels of different subject. I try to avoid to fix my interest in any class or type. My ultimate ambition is to be myself ,to live life as free as birds or animals.

Actually I don’t know what interest me really. I keep venturing from one field to another. The only conclusion I can make is that” Okay I don’t like this”. From my exterior I pose like a confident content young man because most of the people around me are like that and they don’t want to hear the bitter truth that our life sucks.They expect me to be like one of them and I too don,t have enough courage to live like myself. So the external pose of me is complete fake. From inside I am very confused, discontent and frustrated man. I am frustrated at inadequateness of myself and others. Though I try to be forgiving and generous but as I try to be more generous more and more critical and faultfinding I am becoming. Though most of the people around me think that more or less I am cool and generous but the fact is I cannot forget even single slight negligence leave alone the insults. Once I am aware of that I become unyielding, brutal and icy and nothing can penetrate that at that moment. I behave like jerk and even I regret behaving like that for ever. The main problem is my extra awareness of right or wrong. I always left behind that did right or wrong.

But I always work to improve myself not in moral sense. I want to improve myself in my view. I want to feel good after doing something not applause from other. So far I tried to do things that would make my family my teachers or my friends happy but it left me hallow and with no stand of my own. I want to be a man who takes his own stand and take his decision based on his on belief system and his own definition of right or wrong.

I intend use this medium of blogging to engage people in discussions that could help me to sort out puzzle of my life and help me to get my thought ordered or arranged. So please feel free to comment anything on this post. I will try my best to remain regular on this.