AT DEADEND OF LIFE

When I was in school I thought that ok after school I will go to college and I won’t have to dress everyday in same way and attend every class whether I want it or not .This motivated me a lot so I studied hard and got in good college. Then I realized that to have fun in life I need money in life. As I am not from very rich background I considered all methods possible to ensure a healthy income in my future. I concluded that the best and safest way is through good education .So I again in college worked hard to get into good college and in return I have to postpone all plans of fun to later stage of life. Until than
I was bit happy because I was in anticipation of change in my life. I thought maybe life would be cooler when I will be in job than I won’t have to ask anybody for anything and I can do anything I want. Finally I reached there to realize that all this year what I thought was fun is not fun anymore. I am all aged at 25 . All this year of relentless pushing and zeal of doing something has burned out every ounce of energy and enthusiasm from me. I think like a 60 year old retired person. I am struck in daily9:30 to 6:30 type of life. The thing that haunt me most that I don’t see anything to come out of it. It’s not that I don’t like my job but I also don’t love it. In fact I never wanted a routine type life .I was always a kid who will purposely try to defy rules, try to break away from the routine and pee where it is mentioned not to and now I am struck in that for ever. It just 4 month of my job and am terrified as hell that this is going to be my life for ever. Its not that I am not trying to do things that interest me but the real problem is that anything doesnot interest me at all. I always wanted to learn to play guitar but now I realize that was not because I have interest in music or something , I just wanted it because I thought then it is cooler. But now I don’t see any need to be cool as well .All of sudden I became so matured that I don’t feel to be cooler than I am .Now I want to be myself that is a real problem. I want to live naturally, I don’t like to socialize, I rather prefer to live alone. Recently I realized that I don’t even enjoy my friends company which I used to enjoy very much not so long ago. I am becoming more and more critical and cannot overlook the faults in others.

In total my life is complete mess. I don’t have any goal in life that could keep me going.. The problem is that I have reached the dead end or maybe at juncture of life from where I cann’t see futher. The worst thing is stagnation in life. Just like stagnated water, my life is stinking. So its high time that I should try to make it worth living otherwise I have to live frustrated all my life. The question is how one can find what actually interest him. This is the real question that is key to a happy life. In Indian religious text it is mentioned in one form or another atleast in “Gita” but there is no concrete method to attain that other than vague methods which are practically not so feasible.

me

Before starting to blog about other things in life I think I an obliged to give brief introduction of myself as best of my knowledge. To write about life, philosophies and other things is lot easier than to write about oneself. All philosophical search start from searching inside .An entire universe dwells inside oneself. So I don’t claim that I know myself entirely but I keep exploring it in my solitude. Just as the universe above my inside keeps me surprised, confused and mystified by new findings. So its better to tell you about my background and surroundings and leave it to you so that you can logically make conclusion about me. I am mathematician by training and profession. I work in private firm in analytics department . I love to read novels of different subject. I try to avoid to fix my interest in any class or type. My ultimate ambition is to be myself ,to live life as free as birds or animals.

Actually I don’t know what interest me really. I keep venturing from one field to another. The only conclusion I can make is that” Okay I don’t like this”. From my exterior I pose like a confident content young man because most of the people around me are like that and they don’t want to hear the bitter truth that our life sucks.They expect me to be like one of them and I too don,t have enough courage to live like myself. So the external pose of me is complete fake. From inside I am very confused, discontent and frustrated man. I am frustrated at inadequateness of myself and others. Though I try to be forgiving and generous but as I try to be more generous more and more critical and faultfinding I am becoming. Though most of the people around me think that more or less I am cool and generous but the fact is I cannot forget even single slight negligence leave alone the insults. Once I am aware of that I become unyielding, brutal and icy and nothing can penetrate that at that moment. I behave like jerk and even I regret behaving like that for ever. The main problem is my extra awareness of right or wrong. I always left behind that did right or wrong.

But I always work to improve myself not in moral sense. I want to improve myself in my view. I want to feel good after doing something not applause from other. So far I tried to do things that would make my family my teachers or my friends happy but it left me hallow and with no stand of my own. I want to be a man who takes his own stand and take his decision based on his on belief system and his own definition of right or wrong.

I intend use this medium of blogging to engage people in discussions that could help me to sort out puzzle of my life and help me to get my thought ordered or arranged. So please feel free to comment anything on this post. I will try my best to remain regular on this.